After we reported about the Redditors and Gamestop saga a few weeks ago, our prediction came true a few days later: The value of the stock fell from a high of around USD 350 to USD 40, a loss of 89%. There was a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth on the Reddit forums while the rest of the investing world pointed and laughed. And then we all moved on with our lives to be obsessed with Meghan Markle.
I had forgotten about these guys for a while until one day I logged into my Questrade account. While browsing through my portfolio, I noticed an old clock window that I had opened for Gamestop. $ 264? What happened? So I made a price chart for the stock and this is what it looked like.
Hi Boy. Here we go again.
After the last devastating drop in prices, with 90% of Redditors losing their shirts instead of stepping back, licking their chops and maybe learning a thing or two about investing, the WSB folks have a look at this $ 1.9 trillion Dollar incentive thrown bill that was just passed by the US government thinking, “Hey! I have more incentive money on my way! Let’s do that again! “
And so the cycle of delay begins all over again.
Before you write me angry news about the use of this word to describe these people, you should know that it did not occur to me. “Retards” are what people call each other on / r / WallStreetBets and treat it as a badge of honor.
Billboard! Went back full! 🚀🚀 North of Dallas along the super busy I-35 from r / wallstreetbets
As fun as it is to make fun of stupid people, I said everything I wanted to say about these people last time. Out of morbid curiosity, I started clicking around the subreddit to see if there were any new angles I could write about. And then I came across this post: How to keep your newly minted millionaire title.
I said, “Oh, interesting. Someone is trying to give people financial advice on this subreddit. That should be interesting. “
This is how the post begins.
So you did it. You’ve done your due diligence, you’ve done the math, you’ve summoned your courage to hit that “buy” button, and now these stocks and options have given you a title you’ve only dreamed of.
Congratulations! You have surpassed opportunities that so many have not conquered before. You played the game and prevailed. Now is the time to buy the house you’ve always dreamed of or the car you’ve always wanted to drive, right? For sure, if you want to lose your millionaire title. However, if you want to remain a millionaire, there are a few things to consider. This is not financial advice, but 3 pieces of life suggestions. So to speak, a survival guide for the next 6 months and how to protect your new title.
Ok ok So they’re trying to get people not to blow their money on a Lambo. That’s not the worst thing that ever got out of this subreddit.
Interest was piqued and I flipped through the advice they gave. Some of it was pretty obvious, common sense. Don’t tell your friends / family right away. Here’s how to report your winnings to the IRS, etc. Good Good. But then I came across it …
If you want this money to last for more than 5 years, you want to treat it like it isn’t there.
“Wait what? Then why do I have this money if I am not going to use it ?!” You will use it. Just not as a sum of money. If you have $ 1.8 million, you won’t go out and buy a $ 1 million house and $ 200,000 Lamborghini. You only have $ 600,000 left! Instead, you might want to turn to FIRE, or Financial independence, early retirement. There you will use your new found money as a source for Income. A simple equation for this is 4% …
* Record Screech *
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOT LIKE NOT LIKE
OK, I am fully aware that the ethos of this website is that knowledge of how to achieve financial independence should be available to everyone, but I need to change that today. The knowledge of how to achieve financial independence should be available to everyone EXCEPT THESE REDDIT MORONS.
I don’t know about you, but given the recklessness with which we’ve seen these guys behave, especially when they place massive, leveraged, market-distorting bets for no reason as “for the lulz”, I want these maniacs keep their diamond hands as far away from our index funds as possible!
So if anyone at / r / WallStreetBets Googles what this whole FIRE thing is and stumbles upon this post, I have a message for them.
Hello there! Thank you for taking the time that you usually spend swiping around on Robinhood while in the can to visit our blog. You may be seeing a big green number on your bank balance with a shitty grin and wondering, “Were my parents wrong about me? Am I a genius after all? “
Well we all know the answer to these questions: yes and HELL yes!
So now you’re sitting there thinking, “What am I supposed to do with all this money?”
Well, I’m here to tell you what absolutely NOT to do with it: that stupid FIRE thing.
FIRE instructs you to invest your money in index funds, which is known to be lame and boring. 6-8% return per year is a trifle compared to the 500% overnight success you achieved, and as we all know, you are a lot of things, but you are definitely not lame and boring. You don’t have to join this cart of Lame-O’s who all say “invest responsibly” and “don’t pick individual stocks”. This is like 2019 advice. You’re a rocket ship powered by unicorn farts that goes straight to the moon, and you should spend your money accordingly.
Here are a few suggestions for you ONLY …
Ah, lambos. Lamborghini have been the symbol of success since the people of the Crypto Hodl Gang confused luck with skill. And do you just want to give all the crypto folks all the fun? Under no circumstance!
And besides, what’s the point of having money if not everyone can see that you have money? Remember: index funds are invisible. So putting your money in them is a good step for your long-term financial future. But does an index fund go from room to room? Does it have gull wing doors like in Back to the Future? Can you run an index fund in Tokyo?
No, you want to buy something that will tell the world, “I have arrived.” When you attract one of these babies, you know all the girls are looking at you and thinking, “Now there is one person who doesn’t overcompensate for their embarrassingly small penis.”
That could be you, friend. Think about it.
Gold can be a useful investment for some. It has uses in electronics manufacturing from motherboards to iPhones. It is also a useful stash of wealth in times of hyperinflation. We won’t talk about it.
No, you want to buy as much gold as you can in the form of necklaces, rings, and gold prostheses. Then you want to see how much of it you can fit on your body at the same time. Try to keep it tasteful.
Then, after you are all decked out in all of the gold to wear, go for a walk in a sling row. I guarantee you won’t believe the attention you get! You could even land on the evening news, you lucky duck!
Well, that’s more of an 80s Wall Street thing, but hey, your subreddit is literally called WallStreetBets! Embrace your rich, powdered heritage!
Plus, everyone knows that people always have the best and most brilliant ideas about cocaine. And because you are already such an investing genius on a sober level, just imagine how much better you are as a day trader if you bet on Bolivian march powder! It is really a business expense. You can’t afford not to!
In fact, I’m pretty sure you can deduct cocaine from your taxes as it’s clearly a business expense. Make sure you remember to keep your receipts of all your drug purchases so you can send them to the IRS at tax time. I mean, that’s just good business acumen.
But do you know what the only thing Gamestop can beat as an investment? More game stop.
Think about it. You have already reached the big leagues with Gamestop. So why stop there? What if you’ve doubled, tripled, or quadrupled your investment? Where would that take you
The moon? Bah! The moon is like this in 2020. Plus you’ve already made it to the moon! The moon is boring.
No, you want to go on. Aim at your missile ship past the moon. Everyone will show!
Wait, what’s beyond the moon again? The sun? Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Point your rocket ship straight at the sun and GO BABY GO! Nothing could ever go wrong with this idea!
So there you have it. Four completely unbiased, objectively better ideas for the Redditors to invest their money instead of boring the old FIRE. Remember delays. Fire = bad. Cocaine + Lambos = WOOOO!
Edit: Funnily enough, after I wrote this article, people on this thread responded to the post’s suggestions with the following:
F * ck FIRE
If I save everything and were FIRE I would be unhappy because there would be no more challenges or risks in life
Instructions not clear, shot me in the tail ..
Me: * Strokes the cat while sitting in an egg-shaped chair * Good … good …
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